Part 1 - Snapshots from Hellentine!:
Generally speaking, there is not much of a difference between the month of January and that of February. Both months tend to be pretty uneventful (what? why? has anything happened in January in Malta? anything? ;)) and would seemingly merge effortlessly into each other would it not be from one clear indication that February is approaching; i.e. the unmissable, all encompassing, highly entertaining - Valentine's Day Photo Competitions on Facebook!
Have you noticed that they are once more mushrooming around? I did, and to this end, I would like to use this much loved medium to make a little request, if you would be so kind as to bear with me. So, here goes:
Dear Facebook friend (if you're just an acquaintance, expect to be purged soon, a FB cleanup is held periodically), well done for taking the time and effort to upload a picture of you and your loved one, and for asking me to become a member of a mailing list that I don't want to be in, just for me to "like" your picture. It is really sweet of you. Really. And yes, I realise that:
a. your hormones make you think that your boyfriend is the next best thing after nutella on a warm brioche - it is understandable, and it is nature's way of ensuring that produce an offspring with this guy (thus avoiding the extinction of the human race) before you actually see him for what he really is;
b. the rosy cloud of love you find yourself in makes you think that the one aim in everyone's life is to pass every waking hour thinking of how you and him make a perfect couple and just how cute you look in that picture;
c. you really want a weekend break.
BUT!!!! (yes, it's not grammatically correct to start a sentence with "but" but Jane Austen did it too, so English teachers, let this one go ok?) I will not be liking any of your pictures because:
a. I have not been selected by nature to procreate with your boyfriend, so I see him as he really is. And I don't like.
b. I don't pass my waking hour thinking of how and you him make a perfect couple and I don't think either of you look very cute in that picture. So I don't like.
c. I think that you if you want a weekend break so much that you actually decide to be subjected to public ridicule, you should perhaps consider paying for it yourself. And that I'd like.
thaaaanks.
Two asides:
1. I've been taking so far the female perspective, because for the life of me I cannot imagine a guy who would purposely want to upload a picture of him and his blackheads on FB for people to just laugh. But (shut up English teachers) then again, I have no idea what guys think and feel most of the time. All I know is that they have a completely different Operating System installed from that found in girls, and while it is not exactly incompatible with ours, it seems to be very much subject to errors and formatting necessities. I was tempted to make an Android joke here, but actually most guys of my acquaintance are pretty amazing. So no gratuitous jokes at their expense today. Nevertheless, tutorials on how they actually function would be welcome (I'd take notes)!
2. I know that I constantly take the piss out of anything romantic. That doesn't mean that my aim in life is to die alone eaten by my cats. Actually, I do plan on presenting the world with a Mini-Gracie or two in the future, and I do want to make sure that I teach them all about the beauty of creative expression, to not take themselves too seriously, to never stop asking questions, to mix blind faith with a healthy dose of clear rationality, and to laugh, cry and sing without shame. I also plan on providing them with a good-natured, steady and down to earth daddy to counteract the damage caused by mummy's teachings. So yes, yours truly can love, and she can do so very deeply, but she just chooses to pay for her own weekend breaks.
thaaaaanks again.
end of part 1!
Part 2 - The Sheikh and I!
Now, to keep in line with the theme of "things that really seem cool to you just because you're in love, but are completely, outrageously and sidesplitting funny to rest of the world", I would like to share a pre-wedding video that I've seen some time ago. I'm sure that most of you have been subjected to such videos; having to smile encouragingly while watching the bride and the groom gaze at each other into the sunset, ride white horses on the beach, or randomly finding champagne bottles in the sand. However, this video that I've watched, and which IS AVAILABLE ONLINE (contact me!), beats them all. And if you'd be so patient as to enjoy this descriptive ride, you will know why!
Open Scene 1:
A small boutique, in one of the islands in the Maltese archipelago which is not Malta, Comino or Cominotto, with a sign saying "salesMAN" wanted (erm ... isn't such an advert illegal nowadays?? but anyhoo...moving on). You can imagine what happens. Our hero goes in, gets the job immediately, and within 30 seconds is standing next to the cash register surrounded by female underwear. In the meantime the heroine, who seems to actually own the shop, is randomly moving clothes from 1cm to another for no apparent reason. Also, she has, for some strange reason, left her mobile lying on the counter. Groom-guy decides that it's a really good idea to just pick up her mobile and ask her out by leaving her a message on it. Seriously??? Privacy dude!! Try that trick on me and you'll find a kitchen knife sticking out of your chest! Metaphorically of course. Really. *getting the dexter look* Really.
Well, of course she accepts. And the leave the shop together. Business seemed to be slow anyway.
End Scene
Open Scene 2:
They're having a coffee. Conversation is minimal, but I guess they somehow make it to a second date if we're at the pre-wedding stage. Usually, on my first date, I talk and joke and make my date laugh, but then again, I don't have that many second dates either. (Note to self - annihilate personality and avoid conversation, jokes and eye contact. That seems to work.)
End Scene
Open Scene 3:
RANDOMNESS!!!!! For some unknown reason, the scene opens with a Sheikh draped on a carpet, surrounded by three very covered up belly dancers (we're Catholic! The belly button is sin!!) and giggling bare chested man fanning him. Don't ask. Don't question. It just does not make sense, but please go with it ok?
------------- then comes a useless scene of bride and groom walking in the countryside and staring at each other ---------------
And we're baaack! The Sheikh asks one of his cronies (luckily he's dressed!) to find him a new girl for his harem and gives him a camera. You all know where this is going right?
------------- there is a scene where this guy takes pictures of our heroine. I'm on the edge of my seat, this is just so exciting!!! he goes back to the sheikh and shows him a lot of pictures of ugly women, and of that of the heroine. The sheikh makes his choice, and here it comes! ------------------
Open Scene (lost count now):
Bride and groom are walking around (you have to give them credit for liking their country walks really!) with matching hats, because, of course, this is what everyone does right? The picture guy brought with him a friend or brother, and they're dressed in matching striped sweaters, in the style of i Fratelli Dalton but somehow reminding me more about the Gemelli Derrek (you remember them? of the Catapulta Infernale???).
Anyway, to cut a long story short, as the bride is chatting away on her mobile while her fiance walks respectfully away to pick flowers (?!? I guess they had the talk about privacy after all), they throw a sheet on her and kidnap her. OH THE HORROR!
The idiots leave their wallet behind in the scuffle, and apparently there is an ID Card. I know ... this is not getting better. I guess I should warn you. It won't!
End Scene
Open Scene:
In the Sheikh's tent. The same sheet is lifted, and guess who's in it? The bride of course, who had the time to put on a belly dancer costume while shut in the boot of the car. So, now the question that one asks is the following. What does one do when one is kidnapped by a pervy sheikh and forced to form part of his harem? Does one try to escape and make a scene? No! Of course not, the only thing that one does in such situations is to apparently ignore and render irrelevant a hundred years of femminist endeavors and dance away in front of your kidnapper without a care in the world! Somehow, I don't particularly believe that the director of this piece of drivel had the Stockholm Syndrome in mind. Anyway, as the bride shakes her booty and has the time of her life, the groom makes his way, COMPLETELY INCONSPICUOUSLY DRAPED IN A WHITE SHEET, and starts to dance with the harem girls. Bride dances away and doesn't give a shit. Suddenly, with something that looks remarkably like a toy pistol, he threatens the sheikh, and grabs the bride to take her away. Since she has no care, or rational thought, in the world, she just follows him as if the past events(which took up 10 minutes of my life) did not happen.
And they lived happily ever after...which is then shown in another scene of them staring at each other on some beach somewhere. I was half expecting the champagne bottle and the white horses. Thankfully, I was spared.
I would like to reiterate that this video is true and is found online. The only reason for not posting the link here is that is that I'm not particularly sure it's legal to do so and cannot really be bothered to check. If you want the link, FB, whatsapp, email or BBM me, most of you know who I am anyway ;).
I do apologise for this extremely long post, but if it at least leads to a couple of lovebirds or two refraining from subjecting the rest of us to the insanity of Hellentine Pictures and Sheikhy Pre-wedding videos, then perhaps, PERHAPS! it would have not all been in vain :).
hugs
Gracie
