Malta Song For Europe - Chronicles from my Eardrum

I'm the kind of person who does not automatically see the glass half full. Many times I see the glass as it really is ... lacking the right amount of water to quench my thirst. However, I'm learning to appreciate silver linings, and for this I can only thank a couple of people around me that this past week have managed to say the right things at the right time to undo the wrong things at the wrong time said by others. You know who you are. Thanks xxxx.

Enough of that. Did you really think I was going to blog about serious stuff?? Honestly? What I was going to get to was the fact that I did manage to find a silver lining to the Malta Song Festival and its excessive coverage on the Times of Malta (and everywhere else, but luckily in my household local TV is mostly ignored). The continuous loop of interviews, articles and irony on the festival at least showed that the journalistic team at ToM was able to take a break from copying and pasting press releases (and getting spelling wrong in that as well!) and having original thoughts, so kudos to that ... maybe they could try it with other topics. It might actually, you know, work.

Anyhoooooo. Last night, yours truly was watching the festival with a group of friends (XXX and XXX thanks for having us!!!), and as the wine flowed, and as the festival progressed, my fingers twitched, and I really missed my loyal sidekick ... no not Blackie my BB, who has taken the role of my husband ... but my laptop, whose faded keyboard and messy desktop is a direct result of it trying to keep up with my train of thoughts. So instead, I went all 19th Century, grabbed a pen and a notebook and SCRIBBLED. While my friends socialised.

I'm sooooo going to die alone and friendless.

However, before I go on, I have to explain that my notes are not very clear (I might have been the slightest of tipsy) and that I have no idea who most of the singers were and what they sang, so please do bear that in mind when you read what might sound slightly cryptic to you and me now, but which I'm sure made perfect sense to me yesterday.

Ok ... off we go!!!

Comperes - Ron and Girl in pink rubber gloves (GIPRG). I won't say much about them, the gloves stole the show and are taking the Maltese Facebook scene by storm. GIPRG was wearing a glittery garbage bag but she still managed to not look hideous. Since I would probably look like yesterday's non-biodegradable garbage ready to be landfilled, I confess to be jealous. So I hate her. So I won't talk about her anymore. Ron: loved the hair, though it was a subject of debate among the girls around me. I defended it with valour. I'm not sure what else you did during the show though ... but well done to the hair stylist!

With that out of the way, here comes the Chronicles of Painful Ear Drum Nothings:

1. Danica Muscat - I thought she looked like someone, but not anyone particular important. I found her vaguely irritating on my ears, so blocked her out with a slice of pizza.

2. Janvil - There is a planet where Janvil is probably understood and appreciated. It's just not ours. To be fair, he removed a full stop between the J and the Anvil, and seemed to realise that the age of Prohibition in the US has been over for about 90 years. However, Janvil reinvented himself with a velvet rust jacket over .... nothing (or presumably chest hair), and included a choreography of him standing with his feet apart and clicking his fingers. Perhaps not surprisingly, I was left unimpressed with my only thought reserved to the body odor that must have resulted from his wardrobe choice.

3. On the third singer my notebook says "Who Cares"? I guess I don't. Moving on.

4. Francesca Borg - the first of a series of important noses on stage. Is it a Maltese woman trait??? *staring at mirror* Hmmm ... yes, my nose does have a certain "quelque chose". Adding another complex to my list. Thank you Ms Borg ... you're really taking me far...into a dark tunnel of self hatred though!

5. Nick Carter!!! No! It's Klinsmann Coleiro. Aaaaaw, he reminds me of my teenage years where I used to have posters and T shirts of the Backstreet Boys and dream of fairy tale encounters with Nick Carter. I don't believe in Fairy Tales anymore... so hello and bye Klinsmann, you're aging well though, keep it up!

6. Richard Edwards - do you remember Patrick Ray Pugliese from Grande Fratello 5? The one born in Teeeeehran? It's him. And that's all I have to say about him.

7. Don't know the name - she carried with her on stage the understudies of the Flashdance actress ... why?

8. Kurt Calleja - the song is called "This the Night" which is the opening phrase of Dexter the Serial Killer just before he goes and knifes someone in the heart after wrapping him in plastic sheeting and showing him pictures of people he (the future victim) had killed. Scary Shit. Mr Calleja, one might consider rethinking the title?

9. Don't know the name, but singer looks like someone from Non e' La Rai. Nothing else impressed me. Moving on.

10. Nadine Bartolo - song starts with she's a clichaaaaaay. Downed by wine and drowned her voice. Bye!

11. Lawrence Gray - just what I imagine a mutant chicken nugget to look like. Isn't it time to just GIVE THE F*** UP??????

12. Kaya - In the same planet that would appreciate Janvil, they would probably appreciate your Marie Antoinette ensemble. Just go look for it. It's FAR AWAY.

13. Claudia Faniello - a very clever surgeon turned her into Kim Kardashian (though one would ask why). But isn't the idea behind fake boobs that of showing them?? Having said that, thanks for covering up though :D.

14. Don't know the name - apparently she's a teacher at a boy's school who went on stage to sing with a some sort of shiny gray jump suit that allowed her to show her legs to full advantage. This jump suit has a secret button that allows it to light up, and the singer actually made it sound as if she thought it was a good idea. A class of Form 2 boys collectively reached puberty last night. Niiiiice.

15. Aaaaah Wayne Micallef. A full head of shiny dark hair (apart from Lawrence Gray's transplant, most of the man on stage had a full head of hair. Has the Maltese hair loss gene been identified and destroyed by any chance? If yes, could we work on the Maltese female nose and hips one now?) and a good boy look that I just go for. Then he opens his mouth and ruins it all when he announces that "Ghamel l-Ingejc!". Short English lesson: it's "Engagement" and not "Ingejc", and incidentally it is "Bridesmaid" and not "Brajs". Please. My life is sucking in general but do allow me the peace of mind of English well spoken. Thaaaaaaaanks.

16. Dorothy Bezzina - RANDOMNESS. A song called "Autobiography"?! Seriously???? I have a song in mind and it's called "Ravings of a Maltese lunatic gone wrong". I think I'll just submit it. Cani e Porci. Seriously.

17. Gianni. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Shouldn't a convertible be enough to assuage your andropause?? Good luck, it would be nice to see you at the Eurovision, but you're so much better than this dammit.

18. Fabrizio Faniello - brother to Kardashian. Like Lawrence Gray, it is time to move on. Psychotherapy helps. Please.

19. Don't know and don't care. But did she add a second arse to the one she already has? (Speaks the blogger with the curves from hell).

20. Eleanor Cassar. Another important nose. And over plucked eyebrows. At this point the wine is making me drowsy.

21. So drowsy am I that all I have written in my notebook at this point is "WTF". We'll leave it at that.

22. Deborah C and someone else - dressed as airhostesses! Hahah, Britney Spears gone wrong and very toxic. Ridiculous!

23. Don't remember and don't care.

24. Something about answering with my eyes. I'll just roll them, and down a stiff one. That should be an answer enough no??

And that dear folks, is what I thought of the Malta Song for Europe Festival. As I bow out, I wish you all enjoyment for tonight's final. Yours truly plans to miss it. However, she will still have something to say about it probably.

Happy weekend!!!

[from a rather dejected] Gracie :)